Mental whirlpools.

I am the utmost of tired.

The past few days have definitely shown me some of the things I have to look forward to in my life. First of all, I have a great assortment of people in my life. Some of them are loving and supportive. Some of them are not. Secondly, why can I never ever, ever, EVER be the one that does things the normal way? Or the easy way? Or at the very least, the more orthodox way?


I guess you can call that an eight AM hot tub revelation. (Or...six AM, for all you back in AZ? Or is that five AM?) While I was sitting in the jacuzzi (or hot tub, or whirlpool, what-have-you) this morning, it occurred to me - this is the reason I just can't follow other people. This is what my GM was talking about in my yearly evaluation - I have a terribly defiant attitude. And this attitude extends to all facets of my life: work, family, friends, love...I don't take anyone's word for anything. I just choose not to trust anyone, sometimes including the forces at work in life itself. While having chlorinated water bubble up into my face, I sat there contemplating my tiny little life: why don't I ever just follow everyone else? My existence would be so much easier. Maybe if I had just blindly followed my mother's nagging advice, I would have graduated cum laude. Maybe if I never held my ex boyfriends responsible for their inconsiderate actions, we never would have argued so much. Or maybe I could have just submissively accepted other ex boyfriends demands - dress this way, act this way, speak this way...Maybe if I wasn't so bent on speaking what I find true, I would be married by now. Maybe I decided to just go along with my cultural norms (like eating animal or having the same religion as everyone else), my family life would be less stressed out.


Maybe I would have the perfect life, if only I allowed everyone else to live it for me.


Perhaps all the things one could consider a "mistake" in my life are really just due to my defiance. It was a very "Death of Ivan Illyich" moment - what if my whole life was wrong? This is what I sat there thinking about in the whirlpool at eight AM. (or six AM?) With the thoughts of my young wasted life splashing around in my head and roughly 102 degree water jets splashing around my body, a chemical smell started to burn in my nose.

(Indoor whirlpools get you that way, they always reek of chemicals.)


What if what if what if what if....that's all I could think. It was kinda like the PATH train I took for the past few days, from Jersey City to 33rd Street: just back and forth on the same track. Now, I understand the subway, but how do you get off of this train?







The timer ran out for the jacuzzi and all the jets turned off. The temperature dropped fairly quickly after that. I just sat there in the still water. And then, there was that little voice in my heart: you're not wrong. None of your life was wrong. Sometimes, it's easy to let others opinions get in the way of what you find to be the right thing in your life. And it's easy to let everyone else tell you what it is they don't like about you and to let those things define you. But, as we all know, I don't ever ever ever EVER take the easy way. Why would I now? You know, the fact that I have to discover everything myself is probably something I love most about myself. Yes, I do want a life that is perfect...but I want a life that is my own. And gladly, that is what I have.


It's important, that when you discover your truth, you say it to the world. And you say it as completely and lovingly as possible.










Story of my life, folks.














Now I'm off to wake up a room full of drowsy travel companions. I don't drink coffee, but they do, so I'm going to make them some. Then we're back to Connecticut. Thank you God, for these people who have stuck with me even though my life is strange. Thank you God, for the abundance in my life, so I can afford to take these adventures. Thank you God, for a life that I can truly say I have always truthfully lived. And finally, thank you God, for a way to fully live my truth.